April 14, 2015

 From: Megan Ryan
Subject: So much love

Hi Momma Kim!
Hope you and your new home are doing well, I must come by on a weekend I'm off to enjoy your space with you (: I just needed to share this story as it swept me off my feet today. I was sitting in day 2 of my chemotherapy certification class, and getting a lecture from a nurse you may know. Her name is Dana, and she works in our Out Patient Infusion Center. I had recognized her instantly! During her lecture, she starts to tell a story of a young man who was reaching the end of life, and really wanted a tattoo. It was difficult to approve because of his platelet counts. But they worked with him and got his counts up so he could go get this fish on his arm he loved so much. My face turned white, stomach inside out and I instantly knew. She was trying to name the fish, and I muttered...dorado. When our eyes met she immediately realized I knew she was talking about Chase. I held myself together as she went on to tell what an amazing fighter Chase was, and how he took every moment of life and made it meaningful. She knew he loved to fish, loved his buddies, his freedom OUT of the hospital, and of course his stubbornness! It was beautiful. After excusing myself to let some uncontrolled tears out I was able to chat with her alone. I of course cried and she went on to speak even more kind words. How he is one of the patients that has made an impact on her and still thinks about often, even after 25 years at CHOC. So much so, she tells his stories and it just so happens she told it to me. She also told me to tell you hello, and that Chase was truly special.

Needless to say, I was totally caught off guard but in the best of way. It was so incredibly awesome to hear someone talk about my best friend like that. My heart is both heavy but content. I miss him more then ever right now, and would do anything for a hug from him. But knowing that he's still so loved and remembered by so many people, even in the CHOC community, makes me grateful for those moments I had with him. All I know is that his spirit is not going anywhere, he lives within me and I live my life in honor of him!

Next week I get to rotate through the outpatient clinic and infusion center. I'm hoping that Ill run into Sabrina, the nurse that spoke at his service!

Basically... tonight called for some mini bean and cheese burritos and a cerveza (or two) !

Love you Kim!!


December 20, 2013

"Missing You - Happy Birthday!"

Today is Chase's 24th birthday. He was supposed to be born on Christmas but we decided not to share with Jesus's day. I have been especially tearful all day but after my long walk on the beach today, I found a penny. As I picked it up, I looked to the sky and told Chase a big thank you reminding me he is up there. I would give anything for more time together....Chase is fishing today in heaven and probably playing some poker and there are women surrounding him singing Happy Birthday. To my Chasey, May you have peace and light! xoxo I love you, Mama Bear

September 05, 2013

"Chase's 3 years 8 months anniversary of his passing"

Today, for the very first time in my life, I visited the Vatican including Saint Peter's Cathedral and the Sistine Chapel. It was simply amazing following a profound dream from Chase last night...in my dream, I came to a massive sleepover, the boys were younger and it was reminiscent of the old days but there were mattresses everywhere. Needless to say, when I started to walk in, all the boys started scrambling and they struggled to pile the mattresses away. Chase especially was trying to help and when I saw him, I wanted to protect him, and I pleaded "I just want 5 minutes with you..." He immediately turned into a healthy 10 or 11 year old and hugged me for what seemed like an eternity... I awoke crying as Chase was healthy, safe and so sweetly at peace. Today, as I viewed the beauty of history, sacrifice and faith, I prayed for Chase, Kathy Hunt, Kelly Carrol, Jarrod, my cousin Steven, my 4 grandparents, all overdoses and the other losses we have all faced .May they have peace and light ,God Bless....

May 30, 2013

"RIP Jozie (5/28/2013)"

To my beloved Jozie girl: Chase and Corey wanted you, I fought the idea, we rescued you at one year which was Chase's birthday and then we discovered you were born the same day. That is when you rescued us. I came to love you and know you as the one pet who watched over my son as he would die from cancer. You were loved by many and made each of our days better. Your simple ways, ravenous appetite, and playfulness will be forever remembered. Chase Crawford got to reunite with you in heaven on Tuesday and he greeted you with unlimited cheeseburgers and unlimited mini bean and cheese burritos. God welcomes fat dogs in heaven. May you find peace and light. I LOVE YOU. Mamma Bear

Ps- I'll see you in heaven and we will go for a long walk

We all loved you Jozie may all your days be filled with fishing w your best friend! Dan N

April 28, 2013

"To Love"

It's April 28, 2013. We attended the Puako United Church of Christ service which addressed the choice to love. It was a thought provoking service and meant a lot to me. The pastor has connected the theme that Chase seemed to live his life...having been through the fight with cancer for seven years, his love of life and never ending resistance to lose faith...it's a testimony for us all. When we deposited Chase's ashes at that special site, the Puako harbor, we watched a little fishing boat depart and wished them good fishing karma...little did they know, we meant may Chase and God be with you. I have a feeling this family came home with a boatload of fish tonight. When I threw the lei in the water, I awaited a miracle, as I always do. The lei came back to me close to the little landing pier I stood on...I became weak and tearful as I remembered Chase and his love of fishing. The lei then came to the landing dock reminding me Chase is always there. Dan and I decided to pick it up and found a better vantage point...and as I threw the lei with his ashes, it landed and floated for quite awhile...until a school of little fish surrounded so it was then we finally knew, it was time to say good bye...the lei seemed to view these fish and stayed aback to relish the love of fishing and when we left, only God knows what occurred...For those of you who knew Chase, you know, he was waiting for the perfect catch. God Bless and please remember, say a prayer for those who have gone but are never lost......xoxo


January 05, 2013



Chase passed 3 years ago today 1-5-2010 at 3:16 am (John 3:16) and as I re-visit this time, I am filled with loss and gratitude for the time we had together. Grandma Sue, myself and my boys spread his ashes underneath the Golden Gate Bridge (Fort Point) with Aunt Judy, Wendy, Todd, and Casey with Steve's ashes, too (Recently deceased 10-15-12). The day was dreary, our hearts heavy ladened... God Bless you Chase and Steve, may you be in peace and light! XOXO



 September 23, 2012

"When prayers are answered"

Although it's been awhile since I've updated, the memories of Chase and his story of perseverance, strength and faith give perpetual hope to me...even on the toughest of days. Last week, I was feeling more fragile and I prayed for a sign-just a little reminder that Chase is well tended to in heaven. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect such a tremendous experience to verify God's support and love. Even here on earth, blessings are abundant. Jody Barber went on our walk and I had to reschedule the time but also shorten our route due to an appointment. Jody and I turned the path off Rancho Niguel/La Paz and witnessed a young man leaning over our boys' memorial site. He had head phones on and was oblivious of not only us but the world around him. He was diligently focused on arranging, cleaning and praying over the site. He brushed off the momentous left and broke sticks delicately to spell out, "Love is here!" My tears fell like a flood and Jody, grabbed my arm and began to weep as well. I told her we were witnessing a true miracle and that this man(later to be known as Tony Alba) was meant to remind us our boys are being taken care of and we had arrived at the perfect time to share this moment together. We waited for him to finish, spell bound by his relentless work ethic. Which ended in a prayer and hand signal to heaven. Jody and I thanked him, hugged him and gave him our blessings for watching over and taking such care of Chase's and Jarrod's memorial site. I hope you get a chance to stop and see this very special honorary spot and maybe you will be fortunate to meet our angel, Tony, sent straight to us from above.....xoxo,Kim

June 19, 2012

"Kona ...island graffiti"

I tend to stay out of politics unless it directly affects me....So there will be a link for you to read, as well as my rebuttal in regard to island graffiti. In the meantime, I revisited Kona this last week, with the anticipation of spreading Chase's remaining ashes and rekindling the spirit I've found to be on the islands with Chase's memories. It was very emotional. After attending the service at the Church of Christ in Puako, we left to spread Chasey's ashes on a newly purchased lei. It was time for me to release my lei with the ashes so specially placed on this place, this time, this location...and I knew God and Chase were with me...I tossed the lei into the ocean and it immediately formed the heart that I have come to know at this little place off a launching wharf in Puako, Chase and God gave me the unrelenting message they are together..Faith persists and God is profoundly present in our lives...giving us the strength to persevere through it all...even through my son's death, I am a believer...and Chase challenges all of us to live life not only to the fullest but to be the best we can be, no pity parties, make each day count, forgive, don't waste a minute...fish, release them when caught,, and say a prayer of gratitude for the time you have on earth, the rest will be beautiful and worth the wait. Before you get there, remember, angels are eveywhere...xoxo

January 05, 2012

"Time to Remember"

Today is the day to remember a young man, my son, Chase who bravely fought cancer and died. His ending is the beginning of his journey in heaven. I believe it involves a lot of fishing and freedom from pain and suffering. I dream of him frequently and he is always a young boy so happy, free and living it up without adult repercussions and responsibilities...finally totally FREE!!!! Chasey, I say to you, you died in my arms 2 years ago, you exhaled your last breath, you were an example for many and lived longer than you were ever thought to, you fought the fight, you lived the life and forever my baby boy...I will miss you. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox times infinity



August 21, 2011

"In the most timeliness way"

Whenever you think about fate, remember, there are times when it seems almost unbelievably miraculous that we are fortunate to receive blessings in the midst of pain. God does work in such mysterious and amazing ways...As many of you know, I left my ocean view rental and moved home. The transition went well because I am still near the water....aka my pool. Inevitably, when moving, it is a time to 'clean house,' and so the process began. Cody moved this last Wednesday to attend college in Boulder, Colorado and I said goodbye to my last baby boy. That is when the major work began, a purging of the stuff one acquires after raising 4 sons....It was so very cleansing but at the end of the day, it was time to go through Chase's lingering "BOX." The inordinate leftover meds, life saving 'bleed out kit', his old wallet, insurance card, the medical directives when he would pass, and finally 2 rolls of film. I took them to get developed and chose to pick them up after a long walk with one of my best friends and as we sat at breakfast on our routine Saturday morning at Chapperosa.....the gifts unraveled....Pictures of my oldest sons smoking cigars that Chase shot on their last road trip together, a beautiful sunset with the dinosaur in the background(representing to me Chase's amazing fight with the beast called cancer), 2 cemetery photos emphasizing one tombstone which said 'mother,' and then Jozie, his beloved boxer who had a seizure last week and has a massive cancer tumor on her chest and is going in for surgery this Tuesday to hopefully resect this mass...Each of these pictures so significant, timely and heart-felt. Thanks for the message from heaven, God and Chase' and if you have a moment say a prayer of gratitude and one for Jozie,too....xoxo .. P.S. Lyndsey and Tari Harhay will get more chemo this week, God speed their recovery and all prayers, too are gratefully needed.......

July 05, 2011

"One and a half years ago......."

January 4th,2010, I got a call from Colette, case manager at CHOC, she said, "Kim, it's time, you need to come now, Chase is dying." In disbelief, I responded, "Are you sure I need to come now?" Her ominous answer, "Yes, now!!!" I got to Chase's room before he arrived...I stood by the doorway and watched silently for his arrival and then from the elevator, Chase came on the gurney, unconscious and lifeless...yet, his heart was still beating. I knew, then, the end was finally imminent. I started making the calls, flying Kyle home, alerting Chuck and Myrna in Texas, notifying the repertoire of friends and family on the journey of Chase's impending passing, and of course, Blake, Chase's best lifelong friend. The room filled quickly and for hours, loved ones said their goodbyes. Once we finally settled into bed, I wrapped my arms around my baby boy, the three brothers laid in single file on the floor and Dan in the fold out chair. Chase took his last breath at 3:16 am (John 3:16) and I called out to Dan first and then the boys..."Chase is gone." As we all cried together, I wiped what seemed to be a tear out of the right eye of Chase's eyelid. It is like it was yesterday. A couple days ago, I received a call from one of Chase's closest friends, who had just had a baby with his girlfriend. Scott Pederson and Paige named their baby after Chase. What a tribute to my son and as I held this darling baby girl I cried with Scott over the memory of our beloved Chase who died so early and yet lived so much in his 20 years...Blessings to this new life and memories of my son now set in this little precious baby, hope she likes to fish!!! I hope this memo meets you with the ability to live each day to the fullest and please don't take anything or anyone for granted, for as you may know, life is short and you never know when you may run out of time here on earth...xoxo, Kim

May 21, 2011

"Lori from San Clemente, see note below -Chasey 21 and a half birthday "

The sea was tumultuous in Cabo. There was a calling from whence I knew it came. It was time to spread some of my son's ashes in the sea he so often fished. It brought tears again remembering the love Chase had for fishing and how it sustained him through years of struggling with cancer. May we all find solace in knowing the comfort the sea gave to Chase and may we all collectively and personally find passion in life. It is the way it was and is meant to be. God Bless all of you. xoxo, Kim

**Special Note for Lori from San Clemente.. I've tried several times to return your call @949-310-8394. Can't get through, sorry. Would love to talk to you. Sincerely, Kim

March 11, 2011

"The light still shines"

As I sit looking over the view of the ocean, my heart has been heavy. With the recent traumatic events occurring in Japan and hence, across the world, people are left questioning God. I can only say what I believe to be true...God is good and for all the beauty we receive, there is bound to be hardship and disaster. Chase fought for so many years and never lost his will even at the end. Maybe now, we are being tested again, to believe in recovery and permission to grieve for the great loss of lives. Yesterday, I had an unbelievable call from Caprice Rasmussen, Chase's art teacher at Aliso Niguel High School...she had found a painting Chase had done and wanted to get it to me. I tearfully called her back to make arrangements. Blake Barber, brother of deceased Jarrod Barber, who died 3 days after Chase, retrieved the painting and early this morning, I opened Chase's piece of art. It was painted from home when he was sick and still trying to finish his classes. It has his signature on the back which I so remember from many hospital documents. It's a beautiful single flower in full bloom, it's simple, peaceful and gorgeous, just like my Chasey. Since then, I've been crying throughout the day. I revisited the ending of his life today on my walk with Jody, Jarrod's mom, and remembered in detail those last 24 hours. It's been 15 months since Chase passed and I so miss him. I wake up every morning, as when I go to bed at night, looking at his blown up 10 by 14 picture when his hair had grown back and he was in remission. His eyes are mesmerizing, full of hope and determination....I am so proud of you Chase and tonight, I'll just have a good old cry for all the people who have lost someone they love. If anyone was wondering, every picture I own, besides the family photos, are pictures and paintings of flowers, Thank you Chase for remembering........xoxo

January 05, 2011

"The sunset"

As we spread Chase's ashes at sea, a quiet stillness came upon us and the most gorgeous sunset provided us all with renewed hope and faith. Considering the rain we've had, what a blessing from heaven to share in this most beautiful moment together. Chase was and is with us , his lessons are a reminder to live life to the fullest, as all our days are limited and yet, the best is to come...Just ask Chase.....With love in my heart as I miss my Chasey!!!! xoxo

Click on image to enlarge

January 02, 2011


On January 5, 2011, we will be spreading Chase's ashes in recognition of the one year anniversary of his death. Although cancer did get him, we all know the amazing fight he fought. In honor of his love of fishing, we will board the Fury in Dana Point harbor promptly at 3:45. Immediately following there will be a dinner reception provided by Kim and Dan at Proud Mary's Restaurant 34689 Golden Lantern, Dana Point, 92629. Let's make this special day filled with memories of all the life that Chase had in his mere 20 years on earth. We certainly know what he is doing in heaven!!!! God Bless all of you who, in each individual ways, have made a difference in our lives, especially with the power of prayers. xoxo

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